The "I" Word

I visited the doctor twice this week. Wednesday morning I went in to talk about the questions I'm having and hear about some possibilities for why I haven't been able to get pregnant yet. Thursday morning I went in for a follow up exam and quite a bit of blood work.

I wasn't really nervous going into it like I assumed I would be, and I know the prayers going up for me had a lot to do with that. Thanks so very much, if you were one of those praying people. I didn't really even get overly emotional about it. Until my doctor said Infertility.

There's a lot packed into that word. It doesn't mean sterile, thankfully... but it's still a little jarring. Some good friends have been asking about the appointments, and I normally say, ‘fine’ or ‘okay.’ I haven't been able to digest it all yet, I don't think. My emotions are little on edge, but I'm also a bit numb to it all. I'm not sure how those things coexist within me, but I assure you, they do. It's like I'm on a bicycle, coasting down an easy hill. There are people on the side of the road telling me to enjoy my ride, and I am. But every once in a while I see a pebble in the road and then I just know it's going to send me careening over the handlebars, and I have a small breakdown before I go back to coasting. It’s something sort of like that.

For my whole life I’ve been waiting to start a family. For about a year I've been waiting for a positive test. For another week I'll just sit and wait while my blood is tested. When those results come back, hopefully we can begin to get me started on hormone treatments or insulin blockers or whatever else science has figured out to help women become pregnant. And then I'll wait for all that to work. Lots of waiting, but I believe that my plan and timing for my life aren't always the best things for me. I don't always feel that way... but I do believe it. For now I just have to watch out for pebbles and hold on until the ride is over.