Face First in the Parking Lot

In an interesting turn of events, I am on my back on the couch instead of sitting at my desk today. Friday evening I took a really wrong step in a parking lot and ended up here on the couch. As I was falling, I felt each awful movement inside of my right ankle and thought, "this is broken" as I hit the ground. Turns out, I was right! There's a chip fracture as well as a sprain on the right ankle and some soreness and bruising on the left ankle.

I'm currently attempting to figure out crutches, which I'm pretty sure will kill me. I have fallen a couple times since the injury because, well, I'm super duper clumsy and have no sense of balance. You know how if you're hopping around on one foot and you start to fall, you kind of catch yourself with the other foot? Well that's not a great idea when that foot is having issues.

The biggest problem right now, aside from my growing fear of leaving the house, my painful and swollen foot, and the crutches sitting next to the couch, is that I'm supposed to leave the country in 5 days. I'm not sure how long it will be before I can put weight on it, but right now the thought of hopping around in a country where there is rubble all over the ground, and who knows what else - is kind of terrifying. I believe that God has a purpose in all things... so this injury must fit into that category. It must, it must, it must...

Dear Journal

Brand new springy products in the Etsy shop, friends! These sweet little books are totally blank, so they can be used for all sorts of things. I made one for my friend Jackson's 4th birthday, so he could practice writing stories and working on his letters (which he is so good at, I may add.) It was a hit, thankfully. I have one that I'm using as a journal, but they can also be used for scrapbooks, freestyle coloring books, sketchbooks... pretty much whatever you want. Check out my shop if you're interested in purchasing one. They're just super cute, if you ask me, and even if you don't journal or sketch or scrapbook (why is that a verb?), they're cute just sitting on a shelf! That's what they're doing in my house, at least, and I think it's cute. I may be a tad partial.

Hope and Timing

Let me start by saying I wasn’t sure this would ever make it to the blog. It’s just not the type of thing one goes shooting off to strangers about, but the past few weeks have been nothing if not a lesson in opening up and trusting. Even sometimes to strangers. So bear with me, please as I share a little more than you may expect.

There is something in me that has ALWAYS wanted to be a mom. I’m not sure if it was the big sister in me that just needed someone to take care of, or if I was just born to nurture. But I have, for as long as I can remember, wanted so much to be a mother. In elementary school when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said without hesitation, “a mommy.” And I meant it from the bottom of my teeny heart.

Now, as a woman who has no children of her own, who is surrounded by hoards of pregnant woman and newborn babies, and has this strong natural inclination to be a mom, I have a lot of hurt. Hurt for women in the same position as I, hurt for myself for not having a child yet, hurt for my husband for being forced to trek over these same fears and wants over and over with me, and then more hurt for myself again. I go through periods of time where I’m fine with not having children yet. I can handle it, I can enjoy my life as a wife and as a free-to-do-what-I-like woman, and I have faith that “it will happen when it happens” as so many people say. But other times… I cannot handle it, I can’t enjoy my life without children, and I assume it will never happen for me.

Dave and I have been trying to get pregnant for a while now. Long enough that I have grown concerned, but not so long that I’ve seen a doctor. We’ve got time. I know that. And kind, thoughtful people keep reminding me of that. But I’m still here waiting and hurting.
Sunday afternoon in the car on my way to a meeting about our trip to Haiti, I was stressed beyond measure with planning and worry and financial concerns and being late and I just wanted to crawl back into bed and forget that the day had ever begun. But it had, and I was in the middle of it. So I just took care of things as they came. I wasn’t thinking about “my trip to Haiti” at all, I was thinking about the heat of the room, the stress I was under, the tasks ahead. I sat down at the end of a long black table in an office surrounded by the 30 other people who are heading to Haiti with me. Slides were flicking past, one after the other, depicting the children I’m going to meet in just 2 weeks. The babies. The babies that want so very much to have mothers, but don’t. The babies who live 24 hours a day in white rooms full of cribs because the last home they had crumbled to bits in a natural disaster, and the home before that was crumbling in a completely different way. The babies who need me to hold them, and feed them, and love them. And maybe I needed that too. I was filled with such an overwhelming hurt again. Not that I didn’t have my own baby to hold, but that these babies didn’t have their mothers to hold them, and how much worse that must be.

I’m not saying that being a childless mother isn’t hard. I’m not saying that it’s not important, because it is so hard and so important. But being a motherless child… I cannot even imagine. And through my hurt, I was also filled with fear. What if I can’t help these kids they way they need to be helped, what if I decide I want to adopt them – we can’t afford that, what if my heart is softening to adoption because I will not ever conceive a child, what if, what if, what if. And more slides ticked past. And more fears ticked past. And more smiles, and more cribs, and more tiny hands and feet, and more opportunities for me to let go of my stress and my fears and remember why I’m going on this trip in the first place. People are hurting everywhere. If I can make a difference in that world of hurt, I am certainly going to try. That may mean being uncomfortable, and being punched in the gut with others’ hurts, but maybe God’s timing and His compassion is so much greater than mine.

25 Things That Make Me Smile #3

I'm a teensy bit overdue for my twice-a-year 25 Things list... and this week needs to be when that it posted. I need a little thankfulness and smiling up in here. Here we go!


25 Things that make me smile right now:

1. What I have been calling "flash poetry." Which is kind of exactly what it sounds like. A very quick poem written without much thought and no editing. It's theraputic and I'm loving it. The process and the outcomes. These poems are actually decent!
2. The band Mumford and Sons
3. Google Analytics. I'm watching you.
4. Hints of warmer weather
5. Laughing with friends. CHEESEFEST, I know. But really, what could be better to do with friends?
6. Light
7. Truth
8. Hope (These three are NOT no brainer smile points that I'm using as filler. They are things I'm working very hard to be thinking about several times a day right now. Light, truth, hope. Light, truth, hope. It feels good, doesn't it?)
9. The multitude of newborns around me and the snuggling they are so happy to share
10. FOOD NETWORK. I could watch it all day
11. Weekends. oh weekends. Although, I admit, that is sort of just a sneaky way to say something I'm not all smiles about... so I'll do 26 things.
12. Knowing I am about to meet 70 kids who will change my life
13. My mentor, Katie
14. Embroidery - one needle and thread project that doesn't make me pull my hair out
15. A brand new paper craft project
16. This song
17. Giant families. Our church is full of huge families with 6 or more kids. I love watching them.
18. 4 hour naps after very long and difficult weeks
19. Spending Easter morning in a Haitian church
20. Can I say light, truth, and hope again?
21. Catching up on piles of work
22. Both of the fall weddings coming up. Almost time for a new sister and new brother!
23. Sidewalk chalk and bubbles in the culdesac
24. Corned beef and cabbage. Yeah, I'm as shocked as you are that I like it. But I do... I really do.
25. Finally going on a date with Dave tonight. Since we both ruined the prospects of dates last weekend. Yes, Dave... both of us. :)
26. Finally seeing the sun this week after far, FAR too much gray sky.

What's got you smiling?

Donations Accepted

The trip to Haiti is closing in on us. We've got 18 days until we fly out of Nashville and into Port au Prince. We've got our praying hats on big time right now as we're counting down the days. Days until our passports are supposed to arrive in the mail, days until we have a "packing party" at the mission organization's Nashville headquarters, days until our money is due, and days until we meet the kids we want to help.

Someone asked if I had a PayPal account they could make donations to, and though I did have a PayPal account, I was clueless as to how to accept donations through it. With a little help from the automated Help Desk lady I figured it out. If you'd like to make a donation through PayPal, here is the link to do so.

Donate to Dave and Steph's Trip to Haiti!

Thanks so much for your support, guys. We appreciate it so very much.

Pink and Spring and Other Things

This weekend was kind of a strange one. As in, I threw multiple temper tantrums, we skipped several "dates" that we had planned, and instead watched copious amounts of TV and had chips and salsa for lunch.

This weekend did have a couple of redeeming qualities, though. For example, new clothes. Some of you may know this about me: I am addicted to buying things. I don't spend a lot of money normally. Almost all of my clothing was less than $10 at the time of purchase. And only then if it's on sale. I have many, many items that were $5 or less. Thank heavens for Old Navy's clearance rack where one can buy such things as purple velvet pleated skirts for NINETY-SEVEN CENTS! And let's just pause to say, "Isn't that impressive?" Because that really deserves an "isn't that impressive," in my opinion. Ignore the fact that I have no occasion to wear a purple velvet pleated skirt and have never worn it, not even once for pretend.

About three years ago I bought a black and white paisleyish batik looking dress. It fit like a dream. Which is saying a lot. It was $7, so I bought it. Three years later, I decided that I should probably wear that dress since it fit so well, but I still was not a fan of the black and white paisleyish batik print. So, I bleached it. Three times. And it turned kind of orange and white. Which still wasn't great. So I got some pink and purple RIT dye, mixed it together, and dyed the dress. That still wasn't quite right, so I washed it in a load with a bright red rug that bleeds everytime it's washed. The dress now works. It's pinkish/coraly colored with tiny purpley/pink paisley, and I love it!

Plus, I made a fun "circus skirt," as I'm calling it (because it's very colorful and striped, and tent-shaped) out of a 1970's Sears and Reobuck fitted sheet. And since I have a reputation to uphold of being terrible at sewing, I messed it up just for you! But, thankfully, Lillian did some quick thinking and we turned said mess-up into a ruffle at the bottom, and what do you know, I like it better with a ruffle!

My new spring wardrobe is the ruffle on the mess-up that was this weekend.

The Itch

I have to get some artwork done as soon as possible. I'm having one of those, "I can't breathe in normal society" weeks and I just need to create something. The "norm" gets old and not quite exciting enough for me, and I have to start something new.

There's something about being an artist, for me, that means I get a little crazy at the start of something new. New opportunities, new seasons, new clothes - whatever it is that is new - I'm inspired and excited by it and itching to make progress. One newish thing in my life is THIS little surprise that I mentioned a few weeks ago. I LOVE IT. I so hope you do too.

Information About Our Trip

To view this letter, just click below. It should expand.

Whirlwind, to say the least

Today is a big day. A very, very big day in a series of even bigger days.

Today we decided to go to Haiti. Monday night we found out about a trip that was leaving from Nashville April 3rd, and that the group heading out was short a few members. Enter, Dave and Steph. We quickly "discussed" the way two non-talkers can discuss things and realized that this trip may be a really good thing for us.

Skip to Wednesday morning... and it's a go! We will leave ONE MONTH from today on a week-long trip. We still are very unsure of a lot of the details and we're hoping to get some more information tonight when we drop off our applications and deposits.

What we do know is that we're going to have to be open to the opportunities that will be presented, we will be working to rebuild where we can, and that we will be working with orphans. If you've ever met me, you KNOW that I'm a little bit nuts about kids. My heart is for kids at. all. times. I know that being around these children who need so much love and attention will be the hardest part of the whole trip. Raising $4,000 in a month, taking off 5 days of work for me and 7 days (unpaid) of work for Dave, getting 2 passports expidited, and going overseas for the very first time in our lives will all be nothing compared to the number of pieces my heart will surely break into when I meet these Haitain children.

I will keep everyone posted as best I can in the coming month. If you're the praying type, please send a few up for us!

She's Here!

Little Madeline Rose is finally here! We went to see her and her mama in the hospital on Friday and love on them and bring them little presents. My goodness is she cute! I think I'd like to keep her.

I Still Have the Chills

This is a long post. But, you need to know this information. Bear with me and please, read on.

Dave and I are house sitting. In the wilderness. It's a beautiful home nestled in the woods - absolutely amazing place. We've stayed there many times since Dave and the owner have worked together quite a bit since we moved to Nashville, and he trusts us to take care of his horses, his dog, Puzzles, and property. We love to stay out there.

Here's where it gets interesting. And let me also warn you that the Tuesday story is a bit yucky, and you may want to skip it if you're not really into yucky.

Monday: first day we were out there. We were so tired Monday night that we instantly went to bed when we got there and luckily I hadn't remembered THIS whole thing about the last time we stayed.

Tuesday: we noticed a smell right away that was, to put it delicately, naaahas-tay. It smelled like rotting fish, a smell we know well having grown up by a lake. We discovered what appeared to be a fully digested dead animal that had been "pooed" out by Puzzles in the shower. Dave and I were understanding and compassionate towards Puzzles and actually not angry, because as I put it Tuesday night, "Poor Puzzles. That really looked like emergency poo." And who can blame a dog for emergency poo?

Wednesday: so so tired. I decided to take a much needed nap after work. I curled up in bed and heard Puzzles playing upstairs. I had never seen Puzzles go upstairs before, so I thought it was pretty unusual, but not a big deal, so I fell right to sleep. Wednesday night Dave and I were talking in the living room and I was telling him about Puzzles playing upstairs and we looked over the stairs and noticed that the BEDROOM DOOR WAS CLOSED! Puzzles can.not. open doors, or even shut them... she can't do that. Whatever was up there 1. got in somehow, through a hole in the house? That's still there? For other animals to climb into? 2. Either figured its way back out of the house or 3. IS STILL UP THERE. 4. I'm still creeped out.

So, I was already a bit on edge Wednesday night and then we heard more Puzzles activity just next to my side of the bed in the master bedroom. "Weird," I said, "I didn't even hear Puzzles come back in here." DUHM DUHM DUUUUHMM. We turned on the light, and sweet little fuzzy Puzzles was nowhere to be seen. So... what the heck was that noise? And what the heck were those subsequent noises in the wall, the closet, and the ceiling?

Thursday: oh man. Thursday. Dave and I were discussing the strange noises (read I was freaking out and Dave was doing his best to calm me down) and I decided to investigate. Keep in mind, I'm not the investigatory type. I like to keep myself away far from whatever it is I don't know about. I would like to continue to be, at all times, left in the dark, singing my rainbows and sprinkles tunes and whistling sparkles.

Speaking of dark - earlier that night, Dave thought it would be really fun to sneak up on me in the dark kitchen at 9:30 at night. It wasn't really fun. I was a mess after that. And back to "after that..."

There I went to break out of my comfort zone and check things out for myself. I opened the closet door. Mistake number one. I found a giant, hairy, scare-the-hoo-haw-out-of-me, monster. It was all squatty in the back corner of the closet, waiting to jump out at me and drag my terrified body up into the wall forever and keep me as a slave. Turns out, it was a 3 feet tall spool of white and gray wool that had not been spun yet. Mistake number two: who the heck keeps a spool of unspun wool in their closet?! I climbed back into bed and pretended that the last three days had not happened.

Today: Dave's parents are coming to visit us this weekend. I think I'll let them stay in the master bedroom.

Accomplishment Feels Good

Craftacular was a smashing success! I didn't take many pictures at all. Two of the women there are professional photographers and while I love them dearly, they intimidate the heck out of me when it comes to my completely lacking photo skills. I met some really great people, had some really great food, and finished so many projects. Not quite the 15 - 20 I had in mind, but still... lots of things. Although I have to bug Mr. Hagen to take some more pictures of the other things I completed, I did snap a few pictures while I was there.

I finished: 8 paintings, 1 headband, 2 sewing projects, and 2 journals. As I said the other day, "take that old, never-finish-a-darn-thing Steph."

These paintings will go up on the wall someday. As in... the day I finish the 9 pillow covers I want to sew, clean my house, and make the felt chandelier I've been dreaming up for a few months.

I have a disease in which every sewing project I attempt causes me to think terrible, terrible things about fabric and thread and needles, and everything I touch turns into a puddle of disaster and sadness. That being said, this apron I made turned out pretty well. I made a dishrag that matches and hooks on two little loops by that ruffly pocket you see, which I admit, did make me think some pretty awful things about jersey knit.

Craftacular Craftacular

Friday I'm leaving town for, what will most likely be, the most fun any group of people has ever had ever. I mean... I don't want to exaggerate or get my hopes up or anything, but seriously. Most fun ever.

Two good friends and I are heading out East somewhere (I don't know where exactly... good thing I'm not driving) to meet up with another three girls and we're going to craft ALL WEEKEND. I currently have a list of 15 - 20 items that I want to make. And most of them are sewing... since, you know, sewing is my arch nemesis I thought, 'oh this will be fun. 13 sewing projects in three days.' But I've been told that the moral support will help me complete these sewing projects.

Fingers tightly crossed.

Showered

My super cute friend, Angie, is about to have a baby girl. Angie's got awesome style, so of course when she had a baby shower recently, it had to have awesome style to match. A couple of girls threw the. cutest. baby shower. ever. Here are a few pictures from the party.

Madeline Rose is what they're going to name the cutey when she gets here. Isn't that name perfect? And isn't that banner perfect?

The girls who decorated for the shower had a paper doll "theme" and it was adorable! Little vintage paper dolls all over the house.



One of the things we did at the party was decorate onesies. They were all so cute. I think I found my life's true calling. Do you think onesie doodling could be a professional career? I sure hope so.

Being in my mid-twenties and not having something to fill decorated onesies with is hard sometimes... ok. all the time. All the time it's hard to not have a sweet cooing baby all bundled up in my arms. But don't tell that to my friends that DO have babies, because they won't believe you. They're all like "diapers and crying and disobediance and no sleep and..." something else I can't remember....

Maybe a Little Surprise

I've got something brewing for which I'm currently over the moon. OVER THE MOON I tell you. You'll probably not think it's as cool as I do - but I'm hoping.

In a week or so (hopefully) it will be done enough to release? unveil? whatever... in a week or so I want to tell you what the surprise is. In the meantime, things may be a little light around here.

Snow Day Salsa

Mr. Hagen is addicted to salsa. Salsa before bed, salsa with every meal, salsa, salsa, salsa. I can enjoy a good salsa, too - but I'm a little picky.

Picky eaters find their way in life. Whether by refusing to attend dinner parties, or learning to cook things their own way, they clear a path for themselves. Since I cannot say no to a party, I made salsa!

On top of that, we had 4 or 5 inches of snow and ice here, and all I had in the house was a pile of oranges and LOTS of canned goods. This recipe uses almost only canned goods and dried spices. Perfect for snow days when you can't make a dash to the store.

Here's the recipe:

2 tsp of minced garlic

1 jalepeno diced

I sauteed those on the stove for just a bit until I could really smell it - plus, I've had a cold for like, 8 months now, I think - so my smelling isn't at the top of its game.

2 7oz cans of Salsa Verde

1 7oz can of chopped green chiles

1 13oz can of tomato puree

1 1/2 tsp salt

pepper to taste

about 1/8 cup of dried cilantro

1 tsp each of cumin, onion powder, garlic salt, and red pepper flakes

1/2 tsp of Chipotle powder

I let all the ingredients simmer on the stove for about an hour, let them cool, and then poured it into some cute Ball Jars and stuck it in the fridge. Which of course was the first thing Dave grabbed when he came home from work. His opinion - "Mmm. Good salsa, buddy."

Hosting Squatters

Little ideas creep into my head sometimes. They make their beds and hang artwork and plant shrubs around their yards, and they decide to never ever leave because it's just such a warm and cozy place to live. I've become accustomed to these ideas. I'd even go as far as saying that I enjoy their company. They're always there when I need just one more thing to distract me, just one more project to start. If none of you get that same feeling - it's kind of like craving a certain food. You just can't enjoy any other meal until you get a big plate of that one thing you've been craving.

One such idea decided to take up residence with me last week while leaving an Arby's drive-thru. It started as a joke idea between my friend Angie and me because we LOVE the Arby's ladies. Cheery, sweet, funny, quick service, they call us darlin'!, etc... perfect drive-thru experiences every time. Let me just interject here and say that we get seriously giddy on our lunch breaks. It's like, our weight-lifting and exercise time in the prison yard wherein we get to smell the fresh air and pretend we're just like everyone else for just 30 minutes a day. So sometimes we act totally crazy and end up yelling things out the window, or screaming bad Kelly Clarkson songs at the top of our lungs. Anyway, the giddiness of that joke morphed into a serious idea. A small, nesting, squatter idea that wouldn't consider just passing through. So... here I am.... 4 days later, getting started on the logistics of manufacturing, selling, and the way the world will change because of this lovely idea. I've made a prototype on the computer, and I'm considering getting the idea printed and putting it through a trial run. It's not really a money making scheme and may not be appreciated by the masses the way I imagine it would.

But for now, I'm sitting here chatting with the sweet little guest while we have a cup of tea and talk strategy with one another.

Prayers for Haiti

Like many of you, I've been glued to the news in the past day. After the earthquake in Haiti, so many people have been tweeting information, sending out links, asking for prayer, and sending money to disaster relief efforts.

I've been watching news clips, reading headlines, and looking through some honestly devastating pictures of the aftermath.

Because I can't give much myself, I'd love to help you help the hurting people of Haiti. Through next Tuesday, I'll be donating 75% of all my sales on Etsy to Disaster Relief. If you'd like to help in this way, click on the link below and just place an order.

Thanks so much for your help.

The Teal Nightmare

Just since being married, Dave and I have had 7 vehicles... hardly ever 2 at once. But right now we do have 2 at once, and I cannot express to you how thankful I am for that luxury. I love not having to walk to work. I love not having to wake up at 5 am any longer to drive Dave 30 minutes the wrong direction to the studio, and then another hour to work. I love being able to leave the office for lunch breaks, and not have to sit in other people's pee on the bus.

That being said...

Since moving to Nashville, a mere 2 1/2 years ago, we have spent, not kidding here, at least $3,000 on car repairs. Brakes, mufflers, engines, tires, lights, seatbelts for crying out loud, exhaust systems, every type of fluid that can go into a car plus some that shouldn't, gauges, plugs, wires, cables, anyone else want to poke their eyes out, batteries, filters, wheels. If it weren't for the fact that I'd have to go back to sitting in other people's pee on the bus, I am often tempted to push my car off a very tall, very beautiful Tennessee cliff. My car is loud and smelly, it's teal, it's old, it's always sticky (how does that happen?), and it is currently sitting at my house, 30 minutes away from here because of its recent temper tantrum. My car has also been healed of some mighty demonic forces that have gripped it in the past. Sounds have suddenly disappeared though we've done nothing to fix them, overheating magically stopped one day, even though there is still a hole in the radiator, thus leaking coolant. Albeit, once the overheating stopped, it also froze three times. I guess at least freezing doesn't smell like burning oil.

But today. Today has driven me to a point of no return, I think. I'm pretty sure that my months of Financial Peace classes with the Dave Ramsey fan club (did you know that Dave Ramsey even goes to my church? Really, he does.) are about to be casually left on the side of the street in a burning mass of sticky teal metal. As I posted on facebook, here was my morning:
6:50 - turn car on, in hopes that it magically warms up in the next 10 minutes.
7:00 - get in the 10 degree car and ignore the chugging, as usual.
7:02 - Call sleeping husband to ask about a brand new noise - clunking.
7:04 - clunking stops. Good news.
7:04 - car dies. in the middle.of.the.road.
7:05 - car starts back up, chugging continues, clunking gone... along with power steering, heat, and alternator.
7:06 - drive home and do my very best pout-tantrum at Dave while telling him adamantly that I am NOT going to work after all that.
7:10 - get in Dave's truck and head to work.
8:00 - at work. 2 cups of coffee. don't mess with me.

On a completely unrelated note... anyone have a car they're giving away?

Christmas 2009