Risky

There's kind of a strange thing happening around here. By here, I mean me. I'm going to use a lengthy metaphor here, so I hope I don't lose you. Not that I think I would lose you, I know you're all very smart folks and things like metaphors aren't necessarily that complicated. But really... it's lengthy.

So, you've heard the phrase, "when God closes a door, another one opens." Right? Well, I've been pacing around a windowless, doorless room for about two and a half years. I keep assuming a door or window would appear and i'd casually run for my life out of the door. It kept not happening. A week ago today, I had some friends pray for me. I was at the end of my windowless,doorless room rope and I needed some back up. And wouldn't you know it, a door appeared on Tuesday. Out of the blue. The door is still shut, or maybe open a crack, but there's a door. Wednesday, it opened just a crack more. Thursday, a window opened wide up. But there's this door still. And I'm awfully interested in this door. But the window. GUYS? The window seems like so much fun too.

So basically I'm trying to figure out if I can squeeze through the window, or if I should take my chances on this door.

Speaking in code wears me out.

TwentyTwo

Yesterday I was chatting with my extremely talented friend Lillian who has taken all my headshots (like I'm sooo glamorous) and I mentioned to her that I probably need new pictures since my face is so much slimmer now. That's kind of an excellent problem to have, right? So that got me thinking that I should try to weigh myself.

I have been working really hard on being healthy. You know this if you regularly read this blog, or follow me on twitter, or are facebook friends with me... or real life friends also, I suppose. I've cut out some of my favorite things to eat and drink (Dr. Pepper), I've starting eating things that were never on my radar before this year (quinoa and kale), and it's been a struggle on and off. There were a few days tucked in there in which I hated the whole process.

But here's the thing. Last night I weighed myself for the first time in months. TWENTY TWO POUNDS, I have lost. You guys! TWENTY TWO! Can you even believe that?

It was such a fun surprise to see that I'd lost that much weight, because honestly losing weight wasn't my goal. Of course I would have welcomed that side effect, but being healthy was what I was after. I wanted to be in control of what I was eating and not letting that junk control me. I wanted to be able to see an ice cold fountain Dr. Pepper in front of me, and choose water instead. I wanted control of my own life. I didn't want my own irrational eating patterns to tell my body to stop functioning properly. I was sick of being dictated by my food choices.

If you have never had an issue with overeating, emotional eating, weight and self-image, etc.... that whole former paragraph probably seems like an exaggeration. But I really do mean all of that. It was out of control. Absolutely out of control. I work with a health coach who has been great. Just the right amount of encouragement and push. This is going to sound like a PSA, I'm warning you, but if you feel like you're not in control of your food like you think you should be, I really recommend Eleanor Haddad. She has helped me change the way I feel about food, the way I understand food, and the way I feel and understand myself. That's a big deal, no? Also, TWENTY TWO POUNDS. Gone.

Hopeful

There's a fine line between obsessing over something that may be unhealthy, and allowing yourself to think about that something. I went a long time in my life assuming that any negative feelings I may have had were automatically bad and should be ignored. This was all me, by the way, it's not something my family does that has scarred me for life. My mom is so great at saying, "hey, I noticed you don't seem like yourself. Is something going on?" It's one of her greatest traits, in my opinion. But I still always had an overpowering urge to stifle any hurt or sadness. Turns out, that's not always healthy. Who'd have thought? I'm still learning this, slowly but surely.

One of those things that I still have an urge to totally ignore is my infertility. I'm trying to find the balance between obsessing day and night over the fact or ignoring it completely, letting it fall to the back of my mind. I like not being reminded of it at every moment. I really like hanging out with the wonderful neighbor kids without thinking, "why can't I have sweet kids like this?" And I like feeling... normal (in my mind there exists this magical thing of 'normal' that I don't quite understand, but it really seems exciting) most of the time.

And then I have moments where I think, "as soon as I get pregnant, I'm going to throw a huge party and I'm going to decorate it like this, and have this type of cake, and we're going to announce it like this..." and my mind goes to a really exciting and hopeful place, if I'm doing the thinking right. If I'm not doing it right, I watch a movie about a woman who has a baby and I'm in a funk for three days because it just hasn't happened yet and that makes me really sad. So what's the difference? I've got no clue.

So, in the excited and hopeful stage I'm in right now, I am mentally planning the big announcement party that I throw when Dave and I find out we're going to have a baby. This could be four years from now, but I'm still excited. And I really feel like that's an ok place for me to be. I could be wrong, of course. I've been wrong about my own mental health many times before. That's surprising isn't it?!

I'm excited that I might someday be able to sit down with a friend and say, "hey guess what. I'm going to have a baby." And I'm excited that someday I'll be able to sit with a friend going through something as painful as infertility and say, "I know exactly how you feel. I'm here for you." And I'm excited that I can someday sit with my child, whether natural birth or adoption take place, and say, "do you know what? I wanted you SO much. More that you will ever understand, and I waited and waited for you to get here because I already had a heart filled up with love for you before you were even born."

And if that's not the healthy kind of thinking, I'm not sure what is.

Maybe Pajamas are the Problem

I have no internet at home these days because I'm not what you would call "a smart shopper" when it comes to things like that and I have no interest in shopping for the best prices and service. I much prefer hitting up the clearance racks at Gap and buying red corduroy pants and the most beautiful skirt and top in all the land. But no internet sort of makes my blogging schedule a little sporadic (as you may have noticed). Until I can learn to type entire blog posts from my iPhone, or AT&T implements a clearance rack for internet services, I'm stuck to disorganized updates.

Sometimes I like to imagine that I'm the type of gal who will go sit at the coffee shop three nights a week, tiptapping on my laptop and getting things accomplished. Then I think, "I don't wear dresses often enough to be that type of gal," or I think, "they're probably just playing Farmville or something and pretending to work." So, you know, I don't go.

Last night when I got home from work, there was a package waiting for me. Contents: all my free time for the rest of forever. Mario All Stars, Super Mario Kart, Donkey Kong, etc. So yes, I changed into comfy clothes and sat down on the living room floor and did this for 2 hours.

It's hard to sit on the floor in a dress. So, it makes sense to me that if I had more dresses, I would blog more. Right?

Phone Fun

There's an app I was recently turned on to called Adobe Ideas and it is changing the way I use my phone. It's no longer just a facebook and twitter machine. It's also an art machine. Or "art" maybe is more accurate. If it's in quotes, it's less commital.
Ok, and seriously, if this doesn't make you laugh, the 45 minutes I spent creating it were a giant waste.

Irrational Fears

As time goes on, I begin to realize that things I'm afraid of aren't the same things other people are afraid of. The incident that got me thinking about all of this was a couple days ago outside one of our favorite burrito places. Dave saw a concrete flower box and decided he needed to jump onto it from a stand still without using his hands. It was about thigh-high I would guess. The first time he jumped, he barely touched it with one hand. Tried again, used his hands again. Third time, SLAM. One shin busted open.

DID YOU NOT SEE THAT COMING?

Well, the whole time Dave was practicing his feat of daredevilry, I was standing back with my hands on my face, shaking my head no. It was as if I was watching him bungee jump without an actual bungee. I was scared to death. For good reason obviously, as he now has a big gash and a knot the size of a ping pong ball on his leg. (Though I have a lovely cell phone picture of it, I'll spare you the sight.) But for the most part, my "oh no. This is not going to end well. This is a disaster; we're all going to die because you're doing that" instincts are incorrect.

Here are somethings you probably didn't know about me: I'm afraid to wear headphones in public because it makes it easier for people to sneak up on me. Sometimes when I get in the elevator, I stand in the very corner facing out because I'm afraid I somehow got into the elevator without seeing someone and they'll startle me when I realize they were in there after all. I cannot be in a pitch black room with other people because they might bump into me or worse... THEY WILL SNEAK UP ON ME. Do you see a trend here? What's the deal? Was I snuck up on a lot as a child?

Wishy Washy

For the life of me, I cannot make up my mind. I have a favorite... but I just can't decide.

Which of these do you like better?

These two little guys are header ideas for my new blog! You can see in the first one that I'm planning on featuring "lovely things, art, and d.i.y." and I'm excited! I've got quite a bit of tinkering to do before I really pass along the link, but better to be prepared, right?

So what do you think? Do you like those dreamy pastels, or the bow?

He's kind of a Big Deal

Once upon a time, some guy asked me if I'd be interested in moving to Nashville with him. I was like, "I guess since we're married, that'd be a good idea if we lived in the same state, plus HECK YES." And we set out on a grand adventure of life, college-from-a-distance, internships and work, learning to love new things, and holding on to the old things. It was every kind of wonderful and every kind of difficult.

I'm afraid I've voiced my opinion on the difficult part a bit too often. Being in the music business is haaaaard work. It requires the most ridiculous schedules, the exactly right connections, and the ability to live off little (or no) income for sometimes very long periods of time. This is also very hard for the spouse of a music industry worker, you may imagine. For example, scheduling anything, or spending time with said music industry worker.

But the wonderful part? Oh my, the wonderfulness. First of all, cool points. "Yeah, I'm in the music business." And "my husband's a recording engineer." Obviously that makes us cool, right? Note: significantly less cool when you live in a town where errybody in da club's in "the business." And also less cool because, well, for one, I'm not actually a very cool person. I'm more of a friendly person, or she-seems-smart-I-guess person. But aside from imaginary cool points, you get a life full of creativity.

A creative life may not seem important to you. But for heaven's sake, it is SO important. Coming from someone who has been told at work, "you need to NOT be creative here" in a completely serious conversation, and someone who is itching to be creative at every moment of the day, being in a profession that is creative at its core... well that's a big deal. Our home is full of music, and the fact that Dave gets to be surrounded by that every day, that he's got a never-ending passion and interest in his career, and he's encouraged to be creative... that is a BIG. DEAL.

Last week, we got a much anticipated paycheck from one of Dave's 2010 projects and were able to pay off a big chunk of debt. IT FELT SO GOOD. If everything goes smoothly (i.e. we don't have two cars break down and/or get in accidents like the last time we thought we'd be out of debt) in the next couple of weeks before we get the second half of his last 2010 paycheck, we will be completely debt free! YOU GUYS! DEBT FREE!

I've said it a million times - Dave is one of the hardest workers I've ever met. He's not just at work a lot, but he puts his whole self into everything he does; he's great at what he does. Just try goofing around while you're staining a fence with him. He's all business, folks.

Catching Up

It seems I have been in hibernation this winter. Warm and dormant, waiting for... I don't know. Spring or something? I'm finally getting caught back up, and I really think I can at least partially blame the fact that I've not been watching tv for about a week. It's wonderful! I have watched a movie or two with Dave, as he is not as excited as I am about not watching tv and just wanders aimlessly around the house saying, "I want to watch tv." (Insert Charlie Brown sad music.)

If you're a hardcore television watcher, like Dave and I, I SO suggested shutting it off for a week. You'll be surprised with how much fun it is to actually interact with your spouse instead of just sitting next to each other! Or how much time you've got for coloring or doing a mantle remix.

Because what the world really really needs is more coloring.

Oh oo OH The Sweetest Thing

First things first, you're welcome for getting that awesome song stuck in your head!

I had a funny post up about hipsters just now- about my distaste for ironic mustaches and the fact that if a band is popular, that shouldn't automatically make someone not like them. I decided it was a bit too snarky for me, and the last thing the blog world needs is more snark. Am I right?

So, I'm going to zap you with sweetness to try to overcome the negativity that is a dicussion about hipsters and KidsTheseDays. I am wearing sparkly shoes AND a sparkly scarf today, so being snarky just would not have worked.

First off, the sweetest downloadable desktop wallpapers by Mae. Those roses make me want to squeeze something white and fluffy while I giggle.

Secondly, this little video. This is the very sweetest video ever made I think. Either that, or the giggling pile of babies; that's pretty sweet too.

And to top it all off, Snickerdoodle cupcakes. One of these days, it will be safe for me to eat sugar, I like to hope. On that day, I plan to try to recreate these cupcakes from Emma at Red Velvet. I had a couple art classes with Emma in college and she worked on the student film Dave worked on... so I trust her judgement in cupcakes. Even though those things are completely unrelated. Whatever. Snickerdoodle. Cupcakes.

Oh Tuesday. You Trickster.

I had the loveliest of weekends. I did the smallest bit of sewing on Friday evening.

Saturday, I had a super date night with Dave. We ate crab legs, went to the second run theater to see Social Network, and played darts at home. Proof of my amazing dart skills below.

Sunday, I was Super Crankypants after church so I napped. The nap fixed me, as they always do, and then I worked all evening on finishing up the blogging e-course I'm taking. It was really fun! I totally recommend it if you're a blogger, or you want to be.

And Monday, it was snowy again in Nashville, which is always fun for me. Work was called off due to the ~4" and the neighborhood played all day. We built two snowmen in my yard, we ate both lunch and dinner together, and we finally exchanged our Christmas gifts.

But we won't even talk about yesterday, though, ok? Because I'm trying to not complain, and getting me started on yesterday would surely break a few rules in that department. Suffice it to say, "the pits." Also let's go ahead and throw "dadgum" and "really?!" in there for good measure.

Home Inspiration

I've decided to go ten days without television at home. This maybe doesn't seem like a big deal to you, but I assure you - it is to me. These Hagens can watch tv like you wouldn't believe.

Saturday and Sunday I shall be home all day with no tv watching; the real test begins. I also have a brand new clear pastic art supplies organizer, a side-of-the-road-awfully-dirty find from my friend Lillian that needs a good scrub and a place to be hung. I've also got some beautiful fabric that's a year old, just begging to be turned into some new pillows. I've got a new idea, some time on my hands, and the redecorating bug. What's new? You may ask. Well, here's what's new:

NO TV to keep me from my ideas!

Assuming I can get the tiniest bit of help from Mr. Hagen, these pictures are where I'm heading with the new interior design look:

source (top two photos)

This headboard will be mine! This is the part that I need Dave for. Davie, if you're out there. I need this headboard. (source)

This is so dreamy and delicate. It soothes me. (source)

And this is quite masculine compared to the former picture, but I love the elements of wood here and though I'm not sure Dave (or the landlord) would be up for such a dramatic wall in the house, I'm hoping to recreate the feeling it inspires. Also, I've got an old rickity ladder like the one in the picture above, and it's my favorite. (source)

If you'll recall this little post about believing me on Fridays, you may be hesitant to put much stock in my grand weekend plans. But I've already inlisted help with the 'new pillows' thing. And the no-tv-for-ten-days thing really helps me to not watch 14 movies in two days. Now if I can only find a way to not take several naps...

Itty Bit

There's a certain newly-eighteen-year-old cutie on my mind today. That would be the baby of my family, Miss Emily. Or Emma Lou, or Emma, or Itty Bit, or Bitty, or whatever else we have decided to call her in the last 18 year olds.

The day my parents brought Emily home from the hospital, I sat on the couch, holding her, looking at her in awe, and said, "I could never be mad at this baby." And that was just about true. She's a lovely little lady.

One time at the mall, I kept squeezing her arms and poking her and playing with her hair and she said, "ok. You need to stop touching me." But I cannot. I love her too much.

The Internets

Sometimes I hate the Internet. It's true. There's too much nonsense out in the world, and the Internet reminds me of that.

But usually I really love the Internet. Like, an inappropriate amount. I'll always be a pen and paper kind of girl at heart. I love to get the mail each day, I like homecooked meals, and I walk slowly through the grocery store. But the technology that is The Internet amazes and inspires me.

Earlier this week, my friend Kelli wrote a beautiful blog post (like she always does) about a friend from school showing a really sweet gesture. I'm a complete sucker for random acts of kindness, and her post was so touching (as they always are). Then in the comments at the end, oh you just have to read it yourselves. I about lost it.

Then one of my very best friends growing up sent me an email last week that was very sweet and thoughtful and just what I needed. This is the two of us at my wedding. Me and the beautiful bridesmaid, Cayla. I sure miss that lady. She's the cutest.

Don't you just love the Internet, sometimes?

TwentyEleven

It's 2011! For me, this means a lot of things. I have my eyes set on some really cool things including that non-profit organization idea I told you a little about, a fun e-course about blogging (through Red Velvet Art... shoutout to Springfield, MO!), some SERIOUS health goals, and some miscellaneous personal goals. Some of the things I'd like to accomplish this year are already on my Project Life List... so I'll leave them over there. But, this is the list of goals specifically for this year.



- Quit complaining! One of my online pet-peeves is the semi-trendy, "FML" which stands for F-word-I-don't-use My Life. I am not a fan of this for several reasons. The biggest reason of all being how complainy it is. And if it bothers me when other people do it, why do I believe it's ok when I'm griping about something? No more! 2011 shall see a new side of me.


- Make new friends. I'm shy, but I also love being around people. What does this mean? It means I want people to be my friend, but I don't act like it. So... this year, I'm going to act like it.

- Learn three songs on the piano. My dad was able to tune my piano while he was here over Christmas and I am itching to use it! THIS IS A BIG DEAL. I took lessons for a few years when I was fairly young and I never got the hang of it. This year, I really really want to get the hang of it. (This song is first on my list: It Might Be Hope by Sara Groves.)

- Make art. I know I already do this some. But I want to do more. I make little projects all the time, but my art making has been on a downhill slide lately. 2011, get ready to see some more art coming out of these fingers.


- Be the world's best wife. This might be tricky, as it's impossible to rate such a thing, but I've at least got something to shoot for. This is actually about 7,000 little goals that will all add up. Some harder than others. Not complaining will definitely raise my game-piece on the best wife ever chart, as well as 'don't throw a fit if Dave asks you to start a load of laundry.' Baby steps.


- Start a new blog! (This is already in the works... and why I'm taking the blog love e-course.) Blogging has become my love affair, to put it dramatically. I love this little creative space I've got here, and I plan to keep it up for a very long time. I started it a couple years ago as a way to keep friends and family living FAAAR away up to date, post some behind the scenes content about my art, and keep my love for creative non-fiction alive. Yes, creative non-fiction is something I love. Who doesn't?! But, what I don't love is the fact that it's a seriously scatter-brained site. My content is all over the place. And really, I do plan to keep 'rest on me' alive and well, but I need a more organized space to start up the business side of blogging. Think of this page as the backside of the mullet and the new page as the front side of the mullet.

Thanks for a great 2010, friends. Here's a quick recap of the year. Ups and downs were many. Goals were reached, new friends were made, I broke and sprained an ankle, and sprained the other one too, I went to Haiti, I learned that I was made for adoption, I experienced a new feeling of home for Nashville during the flood, I learned a lot about patience and even got some, I went to Bonna-flippin'-roo for free, I was given more than I deserve, I loved a lot, I picked up a new art skill, I learned some more about patience and dealt with a heavy blow, I started a million new projects, and developed a brand new passion. I'd say that's a solid 12 months.