I love the holidays. I love love love the holidays. My year is centered around time to spend with family, evenings talking over the card games, and pulling out decorations. It's my very favorite thing.
This year as I was pulling out my decorations, I pulled out a third stocking. I had bought a third last year "just incase." Man, that was sad. I had forgotten that I bought it, and the surprise of it was just sitting there in the middle of all my Christmas decorations. It felt like I was punched in the stomach. As a sweet friend said to me, "God has a plan for that stocking." That little bit of encouragement was just exactly what I needed to hear, and I moved on to the excitement of opening the rest of the boxes.
As the season has progressed, so has the emotional pull of the holiday toward family and tradition and I can't help but get a little down about not having the family I expected to have this year. Expectations are sometimes a hard thing to deal with, you know?
At church a few days ago, someone was describing the night his daughter was born and how the image of Christ's birth meant so much more after that night in the hospital a few years ago. Christmas is about a perfect newborn baby. We sing songs about sweet babies and a pregnant woman. There's a reminder at every turn. Sometimes that's really, really difficult. Sometimes that can suck all the magic out of the season and leave me wanting something more.
Thursday morning I have a follow up doctor's appointment to see how the medicine I've been on for the past few months is working. I'm in prayer for the appointment, but I'm not even sure I know how to pray for it. If I know I'm not pregnant, what am I hoping will come from the appointment? I'm just feeling a bit down about it, and feeling like I needed to get the hard part of Christmas over with. I am ready to move on and get back to the normal peace and contentment I've been experiencing over the past several months. I'm ready to put the sad third stocking to the side and get excited about the rest of the boxes, though I'm not sure what the next months or years will look like. If you're so obliged, would you please say a little prayer for me on Thursday morning? I really would appreciate that.