Monday, December 13, 2010

The Hard Part

I love the holidays. I love love love the holidays. My year is centered around time to spend with family, evenings talking over the card games, and pulling out decorations. It's my very favorite thing.

This year as I was pulling out my decorations, I pulled out a third stocking. I had bought a third last year "just incase." Man, that was sad. I had forgotten that I bought it, and the surprise of it was just sitting there in the middle of all my Christmas decorations. It felt like I was punched in the stomach. As a sweet friend said to me, "God has a plan for that stocking." That little bit of encouragement was just exactly what I needed to hear, and I moved on to the excitement of opening the rest of the boxes.

As the season has progressed, so has the emotional pull of the holiday toward family and tradition and I can't help but get a little down about not having the family I expected to have this year. Expectations are sometimes a hard thing to deal with, you know?

At church a few days ago, someone was describing the night his daughter was born and how the image of Christ's birth meant so much more after that night in the hospital a few years ago. Christmas is about a perfect newborn baby. We sing songs about sweet babies and a pregnant woman. There's a reminder at every turn. Sometimes that's really, really difficult. Sometimes that can suck all the magic out of the season and leave me wanting something more.

Thursday morning I have a follow up doctor's appointment to see how the medicine I've been on for the past few months is working. I'm in prayer for the appointment, but I'm not even sure I know how to pray for it. If I know I'm not pregnant, what am I hoping will come from the appointment? I'm just feeling a bit down about it, and feeling like I needed to get the hard part of Christmas over with. I am ready to move on and get back to the normal peace and contentment I've been experiencing over the past several months. I'm ready to put the sad third stocking to the side and get excited about the rest of the boxes, though I'm not sure what the next months or years will look like. If you're so obliged, would you please say a little prayer for me on Thursday morning? I really would appreciate that.


Kristle said...

I totally understand your feelings. You couldn't have worded it more perfectly. Thank goodness the Holidays don't last forever. My husband and I have been trying something new. We have been trying to enjoy being us- doing things that we wouldn't be able to do with baby chalos. It is fun to be creative with it and it is a bit of a bandange. It helps a little. I wish you all the happiness and peace this holiday season. You guys are in our prayers. If you ever need to chat about anything - need advice for doctor stuff, just facebook me or Amanda has my number. Call anytime.

Heaven Sent Hatians said...

Sorry this isn't private but...
We, as you know, have two beautiful children. They did not come easily nor without loss of others. Amanda is a miracle and Josh is not far behind on the miracle status, both were premies and we have had to grieve babies that for God's purposes did not grace this world. We tried to adopt from the state and that was pure pain and it wasn't God's will as we are now fuly aware. You also know we are working diligently to bring home 3 more precious miracles. The diligence is not without pain and suffering. I am not sure why some of us have pain and suffering to receive the joy of children but God does have a plan for you and Dave and your precious children. Remember He called you before the foundations of the earth were created, He named you, chose you and "planned" your life. He knows the desires of your heart and He will not let you down. I beg to differ sometimes but I do know it is true; He is never late.
Love you!