Facebook Life

I have a deeply rooted passion and love for Facebook. That sounds about as immature as it actually is. But it's true. It's sort of like my love for The Real World: New Orleans. I hate that I love it. I really don't want to like it, but I record it every week because I feel like I know these lunatic people who are emotionally stunted and unable to make sound decisions. I need to watch the train wreck that is The Real World. I don't like that about myself and Dave sure as heck doesn't like that about me. Every time I mention the show he has a mini-break down wherein he says things like, "Steph, you don't want to be like the people that watch that show. Don't watch it. Please don't watch that show." Isn't that so cute?


Do you know what they should do? "They" being the MTV executives. They should make a new season of The Real World that's The Real World: Facebook. And instead of going out drinking and what have you, they all just sit at their own houses and Facebook all day. If by going on The Real World, it revealed that you are a complete alcoholic, your Facebook page would reflect that by random status updates that say things like, "OMG I TOTALLY WAAAAAAASTED LOL LOL LOL!" And all the gross random "relationships" that people have on the show would just be that you are "in a relationship and it's complicated." And I would totally go on that show just to be the one of them that doesn't get airtime because they're somewhat normal and adjusted humans and it would further my acting career. Except I don't actually want to be an actress.


So, Facebook is kind of a compulsion. I leave it open on the computer if I'm home. I check it on my phone about 10,000 times a day. If I haven't been on Facebook for several hours, I catch up. I go all the way back to the last post I saw. I pretend like that's because I really care about the people in my life, and Facebook is the best way for me to understand what's going on with them and see pictures of the things I'm missing or the things I was a part of, and the like. But it's probably a bit more narcissistic than that. Because, confession time, I feel really funny on Facebook. It's the perfect place for me to say things like, "I wore fancy earrings today to distract people from the fact that I didn't wash my hair. I feel like Courtney Love." And then I sit and fester in my pride for thinking of something funny that several people will see, that probably isn't really that funny in the first place. Where else but online can I get the social gratification I need? (Don't say real life, that doesn't count.)


There are a few things that I can't handle about Facebook though. For example, some people use Facebook as an open political bashing forum. I do not care for that. Please don't ONLY post things about how SuperHardcoreDemocrat you are and that all Conservatives are ignorant and you know better all the time about everything. Or how Obama should be impeached for whatever new thing you think he did or didn't do that was completely made up in the first place. Some politics is fine. Lots of people care about politics. But that is not the only purpose of your online profile. Please change topics.


Another thing I can't deal with: unfinished Facebook business. If I've been invited to an event, asked to join a group, friend requested, etc. I have to handle it immediately. I cannot leave those things unattended. It's like hearing someone's phone ring and them not answering it - the whole time I'm thinking, "Aren't you going to get that? Don't you want to know who is calling you? Can't you at least turn your ring off so we don't all have to hear you ignoring this call? Do you realize you're giving me hives?" If I ever come back to earth as a ghost, it will be to take care of unfinished Facebook business. Don't invite me to CD release party after I die, please. It will really interfere with my Jesus party.


But the very worst is when people reveal WAAAY too much about their personal lives. Like... your baby's daddy is late on child support and you just keyed his car because he should have learned the first time when you bashed in his windshield. Or the heartbreak that occurred when they met that one girl last night and it was so magical but then she never gave you her phone number and now you can't go on. Not ever. You'll never be the same. Real life should still be a little bit private. Don't you think? I feel like there should be Facebook etiquette classes that you're required to take before you create a profile.

Maybe that's why I should go on The Real World: Facebook. So I can create and promote my career as a Facebook etiquette instructor. Lesson 1: Catering to my personal preferences.